January 17, 2017 was the day my life had only just begun…
The night before I had gone to bed with an atomic migraine. We had been to Sydney that day to get a portable air-conditioner in the 45-degree heat. With no working air-con in the car, I knew a migraine would find me soon enough as I’ve suffered them since my early teens.
My boyfriend actually videoed me because I was acting drunk, slurring and not making any sense.
We never knew the signs, so I went to bed.
Awaking the next morning I couldn’t lift my body up off the bed. Shane opened the door, took one look at me and went white as a sheet. I was hit by the reality of what had happened. I went into a state of shock, which I stayed in until I was home. My brain was still doing its job of protecting me even though it was barely functioning. I was able to manoeuvre my floppy body to the toilet where I ended up having an accident. Covered in my own sweat and urine, Shane sat me on a chair in the bathroom, connected a hose to the bath taps and hosed me down. He managed to dry and clothe me before the Paramedics arrived. And so began the long and arduous road to recovery
Turns out I had suffered a massive Haemorrhagic stroke to the right hemisphere of the brain. I had gone home but my soul had unfinished business and my grandfather escorted me back to the earthly plane.
The guilt I suffered following this experience was intense. The thought of leaving my precious baby girl alone in the world without a mother. “How could I be so selfish?” It took me years to forgive myself and understand this was not my fault but divinely led and unavoidable really. My soul is a master healer so of course it chose the most challenging physical human experience for its own evolution.
I can honestly say through this highly challenging day-today life, I have never been more at peace or held such true contentment in my heart.
You see, the stroke exposes the soul. Through much turmoil of my own learning and trying to find some kind of identity to find security in, I saw everything I had ever known was just a big fat lie, an illusion masking my truth. We are raised through our parents’ beliefs and perceptions on what is socially acceptable, then we endure an outdated curriculum within the education system, and we have the media planting seeds in innocent and sometimes naïve minds. We are not taught how to nurture our spirits. Our heart is the soul chamber to which our truth lies.
My physiotherapist was onto me immediately getting me to the gym twice a day every day. My leg had felt like cement.
Due to the severity of brain damage, there were no active pathways for me to go on, so even just the thinking to command the leg was so difficult and fatiguing but I was determined to get out of that darn wheelchair.
Being in that chair highlighted my co-dependency. I couldn’t stand up to get on my bed nor go to the toilet on my own.
At this time my dear friend and spiritual mentor, Trish would also be my greatest support, my very own angel reassuring my every concern. At one point I was fearful I might not walk again. What if I was stuck in this chair for good? I wondered. Trish quickly assured me that wouldn’t happen.
That was a turning point for me, I quickly realised I was in a completely fearful state and decided it was time to lose the chair. The next morning, I saw the registrar doing his rounds and asked, “Do you think I can walk the parallel bars?” He snuffed at me so I suggested we make a bet. If I was able to wheel myself to the gym and walk the bars, he would have to bring me fries and a chocolate shake. He agreed to the bet so off we went to the gym. Keep in mind, I could only just barely stand up with assistance. We got to the bars and had attracted quite the audience by this stage. I pulled myself straight and just started walking up and down, up and down. I will never forget the look on the doctor’s face, absolutely priceless. Now he understands who I am.
I never did get my fries or the shake but I was rewarded in the greatest sense of recovering that warrior spirit and the resilience and tenacity that had been lying dormant for so long.
I had a good childhood, but my parents were toxic ego maniacs. My beautiful mother was only young when she had me and my brother. My father was behind bars for much of my childhood. Heroin addiction saw him turn to crime in order to feed his drug habit.
“I have always been highly sensitive and empathic so taking on her energies as a young girl I had no idea back then that most of the sadness I endured was not even my own. I hadn’t even heard the term empath back then.”
I had always felt pushed aside by my mum, for whatever reason. I see now she has no self-love and had lived like the chain of ancestors before her, unconsciously existing in a way she had been conditioned to live, passing on the aggression, rather than compassion.
I have always been highly sensitive and empathic so taking on her energies as a young girl I had no idea back then that most of the sadness I endured was not even my own. I hadn’t even heard the term empath back then. My concerns were swept under the rug, dismissed as ‘rubbish’ or I would just suck it up to keep mum happy.
It hurts me to now know mum suffered in silence for so long while holding our family together solo. I will remain and all night because there were steam trains having a battle in my head.
“While discovering myself post stroke, I stripped through layer after layer, including healing my inner child to avoid repeating any past toxic behaviours. I made it a priority so my darling girl wouldn’t have to endure the same torment I did.”
It turned out I was experiencing my awakening, so along with my angel, Trish from Soulful Living, I always had that strong ‘knowing’ of being protected and safe. I was fortunate enough to have crossed paths with one of the most amazing humans I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Elizabeth from Essence of Healing has been a constant source of support and learning and something of a ‘mother figure’ for me. She was the first person who ‘saw’ me and expressed nothing but unconditional love and understanding. She has helped me heal past trauma and my inner child, allowing me to move forward and learn more about self-love. She has been an integral part of my recovery.
As well, I could feel the divine presence in those particularly dark times and with only sparse visits by family, it was a great comfort. It would play an integral role in helping me see that all of this was temporary.
Later, being drawn to learn all about soul journey would prove so healing for me. Understanding we are a soul enduring a human experience truly grateful for that always. Despite that and not feeling loved nor having any kind of tools to express my feelings would see me turn to smoking pot and alcohol for any kind of fulfilment.
That would prove detrimental to my well-being as the older I got the more I would drink.
In January 2012 I was pregnant with my first child. A little girl who we named Chloe. She was not to be of this world and after an emergency caesarean was a still birth. Again, the angels carried me through so I could get on with life as life waits for no man. I never dealt with her loss. Losing a child is not something you ever get over.
Thankfully my twin Flame would prove to be my one and only constant, solid as a rock. Throughout losing our daughter and the stroke journey he has never faltered, not once. That is not something you take for granted.
I soon discovered the stroke had completely exposed my soul, my truth. I had no idea who I was. Being raised through the same conditioning as my ancestors, through being told by my parents the education system and the media.
While discovering myself post stroke, I stripped through layer after layer, including healing my inner child to avoid repeating any past toxic behaviours. I made it a priority so my darling girl wouldn’t have to endure the same torment I did.
Amid learning to love myself unconditionally, boundaries naturally formed, and I was no longer a doormat to my mother (or anyone else). But because of my choice to honour myself my family chose not to be a part of my life
What a game-changer that has been, drawing out all my flaws and making friends with them was gnarly but enjoyable. The shadow side represents the parts of me I chose to bury through fear. It’s loaded with untapped potential. It took me the better part of 3 years to be able to look at myself in the mirror and utter the words ‘I Am Enough’ without bawling. There was/is A LOT of buried pain in her eyes.
I know there is still a mountain load to uncover due to my very colourful life, but I am far from the shell I used to be.
Personal development has become a lifestyle now. Due to the challenges I face daily, I now have an impressive armoury of tools for positivity and am fortunate enough to be in a position of enriching the lives of others with those tools.
My dad used to refer to me as ‘Polyanna’ so I guess I’ve always been blessed with a positive disposition. This journey is not for the weak of heart by any stretch, but the rewards of this conquest have far outweighed the burdens.
“It’s not often one gets a second chance at life, but I did and you can bet your bottom dollar I won’t be taking a single second of it for granted ever again. I thank God and the angels for every part of this journey and for carrying me through it.”
Through the exposure of my soul, I found my truth, the person I always was. It has enriched my life introspective and retrospectively. I am a better mother and partner, just completely fulfilled on every level.
It’s not often one gets a second chance at life, but I did and you can bet your bottom dollar I won’t be taking a single second of it for granted ever again. I thank God and the angels for every part of this journey and for carrying me through it. I shall remain entirely grateful until my very last breath.
Today I am 5 years post stroke, still fighting my way to wellness mentally, physically and emotionally. I’m still quite impaired physically and live with chronic pain and chronic fatigue. Every day is highly challenging, but I know I’ve won the war.
The stroke has been my greatest blessing, gifting me personal growth of epic proportions. That personal growth has been my main focus of recovery. Digging deep through layer after layer to heal so as not to repeat the same toxic behaviour patterns that gifted me the stroke to begin with.
Facebook: Stroke advocacy with Melissa